The Almighty Gabgra
by Binkari
Summary: With the worldstone gone, the world has changed, but by how much?


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Yes, I am very much alive, thank you. Again, Diablo 2 and Lord of Destruction are © Blizzard.   
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[Barbarian walks in]  
Sorceress: [looking up from her book "How to Read"] I am the almighty Gabgra, how may I help you?  
Barbarian: Uhm...yeah, I want my fortune told.  
Sorceress: All right, I'll need to have 15 hairs from you.  
Barbarian: [looking up] I don't think I have that many to spare.  
Sorceress: Look, do you want your fortune told or not?  
Barbarian: All right, all right. Here.  
Sorceress: Hmm, yes, you will soon run into a very beautiful lady.  
Barbarian: Really?  
Sorceress: Yep.  
Barbarian: [looking hopeful, he walks out to run into an Amazon] Heey there sexy lad--  
Amazon: [slaps him] Out of my way. [She walks into the tent]  
Sorceress: I am the almight Gabgra, how may I help yo--  
Amazon: Enough talk, more chalk.  
Sorceress: Excuse me?  
Amazon: Nevermind, I want my fortune told.  
Sorceress: [noticing the the Amazon is wearing a rather spiffy pair of boots] That'll be one pair of boots, ma'am.  
Amazon: What? What good will boots do?! Are you trying to cheat me, because if you are, I'll sic my Valkyrie on you and she'll kick your scrawny little...  
Sorceress: [pulls a rope and out pops a lawyer]  
Amazon: ...and then I'll kick you all the way to Kurast and ba--AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
Sorceress: Next.  
Druid: Hey, isn't this my tent?  
Sorceress: ...No...  
Druid: Wait, yes it is! See it says right he--  
Sorceress: GET OUT! ["slams" the flap of the tent in his face]  
[a "knock" is heard.]  
Sorceress: Yeeees?  
Druid: What in holy hell! This IS my tent! I just checked my undergarments and they had this place's name written on them!   
Sorceress: Well, you must have the wrong tent, because this is..a teepee!  
Druid: No it isn't.  
Sorceress: [growing red] Fine, if you must know, I dragged you out of the tent when you asleep and stole it. You should be very honored.  
Druid: Why?  
Sorceress: Why why why, why are you ruining my business?! Go! I have gold pieces to be made!  
Druid: Huh? Hey, is that my pet wolf? FLUFFY!  
Sorceress: [shoving the wolf in his face] Take the dog and go!   
Druid: All right all right.  
[Paladin steps in]   
Paladin: I declare your business an act of treachery and a defiant against the Lord in the name of the Archangel Tyrael himself!  
Sorceress: Excuse me, but who is the angel that sent you on a quest to kill Diablo which nearly got you killed?  
Paladin: ....  
Sorceress: And whose, pray tell, ass did you have to save from Duriel. Which, I must remind you, almost left you in 5 pieces.  
Paladin: ....  
Sorceress: And who dropped out of the ceiling right after you vanquish Baal and your only reward was a trip back to Harragoth as his destroying of the Worldstone caused quakes that lagged the lower video card users terribly. And who was it would failed to stop the Marius from getting the soulstone of Baal? And, tell me, who crafted the Azurewrath, the crystal sword that doesn't hold a candle to the Lightsabre since the last patc--  
Paladin: You shall not say such blasphemy! The Archangel Tyrael did all this for us!  
Sorceress: Really now. I bet you a health potion that Tyrael is up there smoking his pipe, counting the gold pieces he got from reviving your mercenaries in Act 4.  
[Somewhere, up there *breaks into song*]  
Tyrael: 25,697...25, 698...  
[Back down here]  
Paladin: Lies! All lies! [stomps out]  
[A Necromancer runs in]  
Sorceress: I am the almight Gabgra, how may I help you?  
Necromancer: Mmmyess, I was wondering if I could use your chamberpot.  
Sorceress: ....I'm a fortune teller.  
Necromancer: Is that so?  
[Sorceress nods]  
Necromancer: Do you think you know everything?  
[Sorceress nods again]  
Necromancer: Well then, what is 1254 multipled by 563?  
Sorceress: 706,002.  
Necromancer: HA! Oh, no wait, you're right. Hmn...[walks out, pondering how this happened.]  
[Sorceress sets down her calculator on the desk at the Necromancer is leaving, just in time to greet the Assasin.]  
Sorceress: I am the almight Gabgra, how ma--  
Assasin: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE'S THIS BARBARIAN AFTER ME LIKE A LOVESICK PUPPY!  
Barbarian: [calls from afar] WTF?! Oh, you're around here somewhere, missy! AHA!  
Some cow: MOOO!  
Barbarian: Whoops.  
Sorceress: [looking to the Assasin] And I'm supposed to help you how?  
Assasin: Get rid of him!  
Sorceress: Look hun, I'm a sorceress, not a magician.  
Assasin: Aren't those the same thing.  
Sorceress: Ye--I mean, no. I'm sorry, but I can't help you.  
Assasin: But but but but...  
Sorceress: [pushes the Assasin out] Thank you for visiting!  
Barbarian: There you are!  
Assasin: YEAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!!  
  
Sorceress: [looking into her money pouch] Goddamnit, I forgot to charge them! 


End file.
